The Bovine Overlord
by Lillidappler
Summary: Two broke mobster have a get rich quick scheme: Kidnap the Vongola Lightning Guardian and hold him at ransom. However, the plan backfires... Lambo is not meant to be a hostage, but a cow overlord. ONESHOT.


Now, it was the summer of 20XX, and we- that is, Ricardo and I- were down in Japan. How we ended up there seems to slip my mind, but I think it had something to do with a mission about some yellow little bird.

Anyways, so Ricardo and I were down in Japan, in a place called Namimori. We'd been camped out in that small town for weeks, and had spent all of our budget money. So, on a rumor of a cow child belonging to a big famiglia, we made a plan.

"Hey, kid!" The broccoli-looking thing looked up at me. "Would you like some candy?" I asked, holding out a grape-flavored lollipop.

"Gyahaha! Lambo-sama accepts your offering!" The kid screeched something I didn't quite understand in Japanese and swiped the candy. I grinned. _Goal achieved. _

Within about five minutes, Ricardo and I were steadily jogging towards the nearby mountains with the drugged cow-brat on my back. We were about halfway back to our camp in a cave when Ricardo flopped down on the ground, out of breath.

"Enrico," said he, "why don't we take a break?"

"Fine. We're about there, anyways."

The two of us sat on the ground in the shade of a large pine, the kid snoring on the ground.

"You sure this is a good idea, Enrico?"

"Course," I said, "no way that stuck up Vongola will refuse to have their Lightning Guardian back. Anyways, let's get back to the hideout. Don't want that Hibari person catching wind of crime in his precious Namimori."

So we headed back to the cave and got all settled down. We were settling into our sleeping bags when the kid woke up.

"Where am I? Where is Mama?"

"Um… your Mama wanted us to take you on an adventure."

"Gyahaha! Then let's play!"

"Not now, kid. It's late. See? The sky is dark."

The cow child looked up and then frowned. "…Fine. We'll play tomorrow, right?"

"Sure, kid."

The next morning, I woke up to Ricardo's screams. "Enrico! Enrico! Get him off me!"

I jumped up to see the kid with some sort of horn in his hand, sharp bit pointed towards Ricardo's skull. I pried the brat off him. He only laughed at the violent act.

"Cowboys and Injuns! Scalp the pale-face! Gyahaha!"

So we let the kid got away with it since he was playing, but Ricardo, he didn't seem quite right after that.

About midday, I got all my stuff packed up to head to the town. Ricardo stopped me before I could leave.

"Say, Enrico," he began, "why don't we change the ransom? I mean, we could go for a few grand less. It… It's not normal to pay a million dollars for a kid like that. I'll give you the difference."

I thought about it for a moment.

"You said that you would pay the difference, right?"

"Consider it a deal, old friend."

So I set out with a revised letter, listing the ransom as only half of what we originally planned. As I left, I could hear the kid yelling "Fifty miles to the fort! We must set off at once, trusty steed!"

When I got to the town, I stopped by a local coffeehouse to see what was going on. I sat at a table and ate my breakfast, listening to the conversation of the locals. I'd half expected an uproar over the disappearance of the child, but the talk was mainly politics, gossip and raving elders.

Setting off after a good meal, I headed to a place called the reception room. It was supposed to be the domain of the Vongola Cloud Guardian at some school, so the note was to be left there.

Slipping into the room and thanking my lucky stars that it was empty, I left the envelope on a desk and made my way out, in high spirits over how easily it went.

I took my time heading back to the hideout, whistling a made-up tune. A good four hours later, I was back at the vacant camp.

"Ricardo? Where are you?"

I was greeted with silence. Shrugging, I sat down and helped myself to our food supply, figuring it was about lunch time.

A good fifteen minutes into my meal, Ricardo crawled in, _yes, literally crawled in, _with the cow kid on his back.

"Gyahaha! Victory for the Injuns! Long live Red Chief!"

Ricardo collapsed and the kid hopped off him, laughing and dancing, screaming about the victory over the pale faces.

"Enrico," he said, "why don't we give the kid back?"

"Why? We might get money out of keeping him for a while longer."

"No… no sane person will want him back. Ever."

"What makes you say that?"

"The kid rode me fifty miles to the fort, Enrico. Fifty goddamn miles on my hands and knees, not an inch less. Can… Can you even begin to understand what it feels like to be a _horse?"_

Ricardo broke down into tears. Feeling sympathetic over his tough luck with the brat, I tossed him the last pack of candy. Ricardo quit crying for a second to look at the package cheerily advertising grape flavored Nerds.

Ricardo sat up a bit so he could get the sweet. The kid beat him to it, though.

"Gyahaha! Grape is Lambo-sama's favorite! The prince accepts the peasant's offering, ushishi~!"

I blinked. That sounded like the infamous Bloody Prince of Varia. How odd…

"…I hate my life," Ricardo moaned, flopping on his side. After a minute of crying, his breathing evened out. I let the man sleep. He was supposed to retrieve the response from Vongola this evening, after all.

Heck, a nap of my own didn't sound too bad…

When I woke up, Ricardo was looking at me with a guilty look on his face. I sat up.

"What did you do?"

"They…. They gave us a counterproposal. They said they'll take the kid back for ten grand. So… I gave him back."

"You what?"

"I gave him back. I'm sorry, but that kid was no hostage. He was an overlord, a demon overlord at that."

"...Ricardo…"

"I'll pay you back. They, um, also said we have till sunrise to get out of the area or they're giving us the kid back."

"What time is it?"

"Three hours till dawn."

"I guess we should be on our way then."

Now, I wasn't the fastest runner or anything, that was for sure. I was only a mile out of Namimori, though, when I got a phone call from Ricardo- my fat, unathletic old buddy Ricardo- saying that he was at an airport fifteen miles away catching a flight back to Italy.

**So. This story is based off of The Ransom of Red Chief by O'Henry. If you liked this, I advise you read the original. It's much better. Still, something about it screamed 'This could be Lambo!' when I read it. Thus this oneshot. :) **

**And sorry for not updating much recently. Don't kill meeee! I have a life, y'know. **

-Lillidappler


End file.
